Saturday morning and all is well

Feb. 14, 1998, the morning after I admitted myself to the Memorial Center for my alcoholism, my brother told me "one day I would become a butterfly" due to sobriety. Thank you God for never letting me forget those words.

Life is so freakin good; it has been so good for a long time. That is such a blessing, I remember the many years of life being so difficult even on a "good day". There was always drama, there were always tears, there was so much guilt inside of me and there was always a need to be loved by EVERYONE. I am grateful that is no longer the case.

Again, this morning my journal is packed away. Kind of nice sharing my readings; I may do this if I have time more often even when I do get back to normal around here. We should be back that way tonight; Justin and I moved a whole bunch of it yesterday. We slept on the bed up off the floor last night, it was nice, well the couple of hours that I did; that is another story!

The reading this morning that really gave me an Ah-hah moment was out of "Each Day a New Beginning" It is written for women, but I am sure anyone can get something from it.

"Each Day a New Beginning" May 30

In anxiety provoking situations, many women feel unable to act. They find themselves at a loss to come up with an effective response, or any response at all.
-Stanlee Phelps and Nancy Austin-

Feeling unable to act is a humiliation, perhaps an embarrassment, and it is habit-forming. Perhaps our inertia is due to our need to act "correctly" and the accompanying fear that we'll err. Unfortunately, our fear of action reinforces itself. The only way to end the vicious cycle is to act-right or wrong. We will learn not only from the action itself, but from its ripples.

The response to life we make through action will gratify us, it will nourish us and will make us dread less the next situation that calls for a response.

Opportunities for action are the stepping stones to emotional maturity. The more we "act," the more able we are to act. And a new habit is formed.

Taking action, even when I fear it's wrong, is growth-producing. Without growth there is not life. Today, I will live!



My thoughts were not so much on the in-action or fear of action, but mostly on the fact that I did not know how to react to any situation prior to my getting sober and even in the beginning years of sobriety. There were many days when I heard, "act as if", that began to sink in, oh about 3 or 4 years into the deal.

When I first got sober I remember reading the "Promises" which are after doing Step 9. The one sentence that would make me cry everytime it was read in a meeting was "You will intuitively handle situations which used to baffle you." Oh my gosh, that was a dream of mine. I could not handle any situation, nada, nuthin' zero... My first reaction was a defensive reaction and it was not pretty.

I love the sentence in today's reading "Opportunities for action are the stepping stones to emotional maturity. The more we "act," the more able we are to act. And a new habit is formed." I yearned for emotional maturity (sobriety). I will never forget the first time when I realized I handled a situation which used to baffle me; Steve and I were arguing, when we first got married. I ran, of course, to the bedroom and looked around, so desperately wanting to throw something, to clear the top of a dresser; I wanted to do something anything that had to do with raging. I could feel it in every part of my body, instead I picked up the phone, (not to throw,done that a million times) and called my sponsor, Yolie. I cried on the phone and I cried after I got off the phone. I was so full of fear but so full of emotions because I did not do what I had normally done for so many many years. Instead of thinking my way into changing, I have reacted my way into changing, one day at a time. I guess you can say, it became a "habit".

I love AA and the way of life it has given me; I have found my God, a wonderful relationship with my God; I have found a "design for living". Like the BB says, "we are undisciplined." I need a "manuscript", if you will, today to help me to become a little more disciplined each day. My life is the best life I have ever known.

Just a few thoughts

I am writing this today on my blog because my home is in disorder and I cannot find my journal. We had the carpets cleaned and everything is everywhere and not in their place.

I thank God for my sobriety and for loving me.

My readings were really good today. I read from five books if I have the time, they are: The BB of Alcoholics Anonymous; Until today, Iyanla Vanzant; Daily Reflections, AA approved literature; Courage to Change, Alanon approved literature; and Each Day a New Beginning, Hazeldon daily meditation book.

My favorite this morning was from Until Today. This is a daily reflection book as well, actually all of them are except for the BB (Big Book).

May 29

"I am receptive to the idea that...it is possible that I have been following the wrong directions."

"Here is an interesting concept that could help you the next time you are faced with a challenge that you believe you cannot handle. Your personality is the passenger, not the driver! Your spirit is the driving force of your life. Most people believe it is the personality that matters. As a result, there are things they believe they cannot do or things they will not do because such things do not fit their personality. Poor creatures! As long as they insist on listening to the passenger they will probably end up getting lost."

"...Your spirit is the only true navigational force in your life. Unfortunately, it doesn't talk as loud as your personality! Your spirit offers directions only when asked. Your spirit is not worried about getting lost, because it knows what to do, when to do it and what the final outcome will be. Your spirit knows the best time to travel. The best time to stop and rest. The best roads to take and the weather conditions that lie ahead. Your spirit, unlike your personality, is not concerned with your comfort. It is concerned that you have a safe journey on the path of growth."


Pretty cool chit!! I likes this so much because first of all, I have been able to allow my spirit once in a while to be the driver and it does feel good and helps my days be a little simpler. Also, it reminded me of my Psych/Soc class. I know, I cannot help it! I love education and I especially love Sociology with a little Psychology in the mix. The Id, the Ego and the SuperEgo came to mind.


Anyway, I think I am going to take this with me today, allowing the spirit to drive and not my personality. I know then that today is going to be a good day. Oh yeah, 6 flippin days without a cigarette!!!

Oooops!

I have lost my followers pictures??? Can anyone help me? All I did was change my template and they disappeared.

Dreams

I have been having so many flippin dreams lately; they are quite long as well. Seems like I am dreaming all night, but I am guessing that is not true.


The other night I dreamt about one of my good friends Jenny. We were hanging out and just having a good time. Jenny loves shoes with at least 3" heels; I like them but only wear them in the flip-flop style most of the time. She wears many styles and wears them all the time; they look wonderful on her.


It was funny, in my dream we both had on that type of shoe and we kept getting them mixed up, I was wearing one of hers and she was wearing one of mine, strange huh. Well during the dream I remember her telling me something about when I get old I am going to have problems with my back because of those shoes. I thought that was funny, coming from her.


There was so much more to it, but I have slept since then and have dreamt about other things. I really should just get on here in the mornings and write about them, I may see some type of pattern, you think?



Last night I dreamt about my grandkids, Haley and Morgan. We were in a toy store, in a mall, a huge mall. We seemed to be waiting on someone to show up, so I told them they could get them something while we were waiting. I remember vividly how it felt to be waiting for a child to find something in a very short time.



Justin was terrible at that when he was a little boy. I would give him a few minutes, I would actually tell him, "you only have 15 minutes, then we are out of here". I am sure it had something to do with getting to that next drink or I needed to get home to that husband that was so controlling at the time. Anyway, when Justin would get to that 15 minutes, he would have two or three things in his hands and could still not decide, so I would be pissed off and say, just get them all, let's go! I think after a while he got pretty smart and just did that on purpose! LOL That is ok, today I look back and am so grateful for those moments, if that is all I had in me to be present at that moment, I am glad I was present. Not sure if that makes any sense.


Anyway, the girls in my dream were reacting somewhat like Justin. This morning as I was reading my books and writing in my journal I thought possibly that dream did have some significance in my life today, decisions. I tend to go back and forth on possible decisions that I may think I have to make during my days lately. There are so many, like Justin's toys in his hands, desireable factors and undesireable factors that go along with that decision process; some of those for me today are joy, laughter, conversation/no conversation, security (financial and stability), lonely, happy, are they real or are they made up in my mind, alone, not alone, ad infinitum!


Anyway, I can analyze this to death. I really do enjoy dreaming; I hope they never stop.

Geee

That was easy. I just never took the time to really look. I likey this one, for now.

Still trying to figure this blog-stuff out

I have some time now, so I thought I would attempt at creating my posts to be as organized and beautiful as Joni's and Linda's.

Hmm, we shall see what I am capable of doing on my own.

A good dream last night.

I dream a lot, not sure why but I do. They are very vivid, I guess because I am such a visual person, maybe. At the beginning of this week I had a "drunk/drug" dream. I was ok with it, but it was so real; it was not about doing the drugs or drinking the alcohol but the insanity that comes with it. I actually woke up in a state of chaos, just those old feelings I used to feel. I actually had to shake it off. Thank God I do not have to do that anymore.


Last nights dream was short and sweet. All I remember was watching my two boys, who are now 25 and 21 years old, walking down the street together going to their dad's home. I could tell Jason was about 7 or 8 years old and Justin was around 2 or 3 years old. Their heighth was what lead me to believe that. Jason was always about a foot or more taller than Justin, back then. Justin now towers over his older bro. They were walking in the old neighborhood that Danny and I lived in when we were married, our first home we bought, we were so proud of that home. It was a nice place to be with children.







Jason had on that tank top (could not find a pic quick enough of that tank) that was a peachish color and those shorts that he looked so cute in; he tanned so well and still does and those colors just looked great on him. Justin was carrying a blankie and was walking close to his brother; they were so close back then. They are not as close as that anymore, but I know it is all about years of age and they will come back to that soon.



I woke up this morning with a smile on my face. There are still times in my life when I have those "should have, could have and if I only would have" moments. I do know today that "we" have recovered from the "issues" of alchoholism. There are so many mothers and fathers in the rooms that have not yet gotten there and some that never do.

My boys are beautiful, charming, happy and doing well today. I thank my God for the gift of sobriety; the willingness to do the work has given me the life I never thought I could have or deserved to have.