Saturday morning and all is well

Feb. 14, 1998, the morning after I admitted myself to the Memorial Center for my alcoholism, my brother told me "one day I would become a butterfly" due to sobriety. Thank you God for never letting me forget those words.

Life is so freakin good; it has been so good for a long time. That is such a blessing, I remember the many years of life being so difficult even on a "good day". There was always drama, there were always tears, there was so much guilt inside of me and there was always a need to be loved by EVERYONE. I am grateful that is no longer the case.

Again, this morning my journal is packed away. Kind of nice sharing my readings; I may do this if I have time more often even when I do get back to normal around here. We should be back that way tonight; Justin and I moved a whole bunch of it yesterday. We slept on the bed up off the floor last night, it was nice, well the couple of hours that I did; that is another story!

The reading this morning that really gave me an Ah-hah moment was out of "Each Day a New Beginning" It is written for women, but I am sure anyone can get something from it.

"Each Day a New Beginning" May 30

In anxiety provoking situations, many women feel unable to act. They find themselves at a loss to come up with an effective response, or any response at all.
-Stanlee Phelps and Nancy Austin-

Feeling unable to act is a humiliation, perhaps an embarrassment, and it is habit-forming. Perhaps our inertia is due to our need to act "correctly" and the accompanying fear that we'll err. Unfortunately, our fear of action reinforces itself. The only way to end the vicious cycle is to act-right or wrong. We will learn not only from the action itself, but from its ripples.

The response to life we make through action will gratify us, it will nourish us and will make us dread less the next situation that calls for a response.

Opportunities for action are the stepping stones to emotional maturity. The more we "act," the more able we are to act. And a new habit is formed.

Taking action, even when I fear it's wrong, is growth-producing. Without growth there is not life. Today, I will live!



My thoughts were not so much on the in-action or fear of action, but mostly on the fact that I did not know how to react to any situation prior to my getting sober and even in the beginning years of sobriety. There were many days when I heard, "act as if", that began to sink in, oh about 3 or 4 years into the deal.

When I first got sober I remember reading the "Promises" which are after doing Step 9. The one sentence that would make me cry everytime it was read in a meeting was "You will intuitively handle situations which used to baffle you." Oh my gosh, that was a dream of mine. I could not handle any situation, nada, nuthin' zero... My first reaction was a defensive reaction and it was not pretty.

I love the sentence in today's reading "Opportunities for action are the stepping stones to emotional maturity. The more we "act," the more able we are to act. And a new habit is formed." I yearned for emotional maturity (sobriety). I will never forget the first time when I realized I handled a situation which used to baffle me; Steve and I were arguing, when we first got married. I ran, of course, to the bedroom and looked around, so desperately wanting to throw something, to clear the top of a dresser; I wanted to do something anything that had to do with raging. I could feel it in every part of my body, instead I picked up the phone, (not to throw,done that a million times) and called my sponsor, Yolie. I cried on the phone and I cried after I got off the phone. I was so full of fear but so full of emotions because I did not do what I had normally done for so many many years. Instead of thinking my way into changing, I have reacted my way into changing, one day at a time. I guess you can say, it became a "habit".

I love AA and the way of life it has given me; I have found my God, a wonderful relationship with my God; I have found a "design for living". Like the BB says, "we are undisciplined." I need a "manuscript", if you will, today to help me to become a little more disciplined each day. My life is the best life I have ever known.