It has been a while

I just happened to take the time to read one of my friends blogs this morning and realized, wow it has been a long time since I posted anything here.

I have been "busy". Busy, that word keeps me from doing so many things in my life that I realize now that I may have missed out on a learning experience, spiritual experience or both.

I looked up the word "busy". I do that alot, look words up. Not just because I do not know what they mean, but to find out more about a word and how it pertains to me.

Merrian-Webster Online Dictionary:
A). Engaged in action: "occupied"
B). Being in use: "found the telephone busy"
C). Full of activity: "bustling"
D). Full of distracting detail: "a busy design"
E). Foolishly or intrusively active: "meddling"

I can see now how busy I really have been! ;-)
Most of those definitions do fit the reason for not blogging in a long time; but I laugh at myself, knowing so well that I am not that "busy" of a person to sit down and pause.

This is definitley a perfect example of how "busy" I really am or have been the last few months. LOL

I looked up the word busy and typed the definition in my blog and really have not said anything uplifting or mindful! LOL
I crack myself up.
Boy, Jani you are so full of wasted time!
You really need to learn to manage your time better!

Thinking about my dad

This pic is of my father doing what he loves best, fishing on his houseboat on the lake near his home in Warsaw, MO.

We got to see our father a while back; he was able to come through California with Joann after taking care of her father in Oregon. That was a surprise, we did not have that planned and it was so enjoyable, the little bit of time we got to spend with him.

This pic is Justin and dad taken just this last month; Justin just happens to be Dad's only grandchild who looks like a Fisher; Justin is my Dad's brothers twin, Uncle Keith, who passed away when I was only 8 years old!

Justin is now living with us; he is going back to school and was working, but got layed off, no biggy, he will get another job soon and unemployment is coming in. But I was getting his bedding after he had stripped his bed into the wash and the smell of it was extremely strong. It was not a bad smell, actually it was a smell that brought back so many childhood memories.

I know this may sound weird, but it is something that I have heard many people say about their fathers and never had it dawned on me until this day. Jenna has spoke about sitting in her daddy's closet after he died and just smelling his clothes because he wanted to linger in that fragrance that she missed so very much. Judy from Florida an on-line friend, shared the same, that she kept a pair of her dad's jammies so she could just smell them.

Dad and I at his home in Warsaw MO. in summer of 2007

When I smelled those sheets, it came back to me, this is weird, but my dad's hairy back and the smell of his body as I laid in the middle of the bed with him and mom. I was only probably 8,9 or 10 years old. He was not around after that, mom and him began their divorce. Those were moments of feeling safe; there were times in my childhood that I did not feel so safe, which of course, I have come to be ok with, but they were a part of my story. I had forgotten those safe encounters with my father.

Anyway, I guess what I am getting at is that there is so much that has been erased from my memory as a child and when I do recall any happiness, especially with my father, I cherish it and embrace it. We did not get to have many of those father and daughter encounters because he was not there at such an early age. Again, another part of my life that I have come to understand and have accepted it as it was; my past is truly my greatest asset, I am who I am today because of it, so there are no regrets at all. I know my father has some regrets and I wish he didn't; having no regrets is such a freedom that helps bring happiness to each day, each moment in my life today and in my future.

Thanks dad for those safe feelings I get to recall as an adult about my childhood. I hear my girlfriends talk about their fathers and I do get to relate about so many good things that they share with me. A long time ago, I use to think I had nothing to relate with, but I was so wrong, it is all coming back to me now.

He really was just a man...

but he has left a legacy; this legacy is made up of many men with quite a few years of sobriety, 3 of them in that picture above, who have sponsored already several men, those men are sponsoring men and those men will be sponsoring other men, ad-infinitum.

It is taking me a while to write this, I sit and write, weep a little, stop and then come back again and write more. Al passed away on Sunday June 7, 2009. He was sober for 31 years. He was my husband's sponsor for 20 of those years and knew him prior to Steve going into AA. He was a customer of my husband's; I was not there, but have heard bits and pieces of their story; the short part of the long story is that my husband wanted what he had and was curious as to how he could not drink, be happy and work with "pricks" like him every day.

As time went on, Steve was attracted to Al's way of living and finally made a decision to meet Al at 106 Lincoln. They had just missed each other; Steve was late and Al thought, just like most newcomers, Steve was a no-show and went on home. That was April 16, 1989, the beginning of my husband's journey into Alcoholics Anonymous with Al. Steve kept coming back.

When I got into AA, on Feb. 13, 1998, I was a type of newcomer that did not really care for the "old-timers"; I thought things needed to be changed and I had arrived. I missed out on so much in my first 18 months due to not listening to the "old-timers". With an attitude like that it was just a matter of time before I picked up that first drink. I got to go out a couple of times, my sobriety date was changed to November 8, 1998.

I had first met Al at a Friday night Rosewood meeting when it was very small just prior to my first relapse. David M. who is in that picture above was there as well. I was with my then husband, Bob, and all we did was make fun of them when we left. I had no idea on that night that my life was going to be changed forever and that bald-headed man was going to be a big part of the reason for that change.

Al never sponsored me, but of course, his sponsorship with Steve "sponsored" me. When I met Steve, my "program" was already beginning to change for the better; I had left that then husband and had a sponsor that put me into action. I went to Oildale with Angie one morning, and saw that bald-headed man again in the corner. I remember walking past him and my future husband, not knowing at the time of course, and smiled and said hello to both of them, as I went to go get a cup of coffee. I really loved that place, but only went back on a few Friday nights. Long story short, Steve and I met through Shannon, Angie and of course Patty who was the match-maker!

I learned so much from my husband, not that he is the reason I am sober and somewhat sane today, but Al's words and Al's suggestions on Steve working the steps and applying them in his life are a really big part of it. Al taught Steve to be of service and to go when the hand of AA reaches out anywhere. Steve and I were taxi's in the beginning of our relationship to newcomers. There were many times when the old Jani would come out and not want to "play AA" anymore. I began to be selfish and self-centered and just wanted to ride to meetings with him and I ONLY, well it just did not happen. I have had many lessons in not being selfish and taking others to meetings; which has been the best thing for me and for our relationship. At those moments of course I really did not see the lessons. I began my journey of being of service from my husband via Al Hendricks.

Al would come up to me at a meeting and point to a woman in the corner and TELL me to go over there to talk to her and give her my number. I did that a few times with him having to tell me; there were some days when I saw the newcomer and would hide, I just did not want to do that at that moment and he would find me; I would go and I have become a better woman today because of doing that. Now, when I walk into meetings I go around the room and find the newcomer and give them a hug and let them know it is ok. At 106 Lincoln, I have to get my hugs all around the room. I am able to do that today because Al nudged me along lovingly. He loved me enough to get me out of myself.

When Al was told that we were getting married he asked Steve if he could show me that list of character defects that Steve had been working on pertaining to relationships. Steve was ok with that. Al loved me enough to let me know exactly who Steve is, actually who Steve can be when he is not allowing his God to run the show. Just because we get sober does not mean that we become angels and get perfect. Jani and Steve are Jani and Steve with or without the drink. We are the best Jani and Steve we can be with the Steps and our sponsors in our life today.

There are so many men out in Bakersfield and from what I understand other areas of AA that have been touched by that bald-headed man. My husband used to refer to him as the "man in the corner with the horse-shoe haircut".

He will be missed, but his legacy will always be there as long as we do not forget what we were taught. I love you Al; Keep coming back!

Saturday morning and all is well

Feb. 14, 1998, the morning after I admitted myself to the Memorial Center for my alcoholism, my brother told me "one day I would become a butterfly" due to sobriety. Thank you God for never letting me forget those words.

Life is so freakin good; it has been so good for a long time. That is such a blessing, I remember the many years of life being so difficult even on a "good day". There was always drama, there were always tears, there was so much guilt inside of me and there was always a need to be loved by EVERYONE. I am grateful that is no longer the case.

Again, this morning my journal is packed away. Kind of nice sharing my readings; I may do this if I have time more often even when I do get back to normal around here. We should be back that way tonight; Justin and I moved a whole bunch of it yesterday. We slept on the bed up off the floor last night, it was nice, well the couple of hours that I did; that is another story!

The reading this morning that really gave me an Ah-hah moment was out of "Each Day a New Beginning" It is written for women, but I am sure anyone can get something from it.

"Each Day a New Beginning" May 30

In anxiety provoking situations, many women feel unable to act. They find themselves at a loss to come up with an effective response, or any response at all.
-Stanlee Phelps and Nancy Austin-

Feeling unable to act is a humiliation, perhaps an embarrassment, and it is habit-forming. Perhaps our inertia is due to our need to act "correctly" and the accompanying fear that we'll err. Unfortunately, our fear of action reinforces itself. The only way to end the vicious cycle is to act-right or wrong. We will learn not only from the action itself, but from its ripples.

The response to life we make through action will gratify us, it will nourish us and will make us dread less the next situation that calls for a response.

Opportunities for action are the stepping stones to emotional maturity. The more we "act," the more able we are to act. And a new habit is formed.

Taking action, even when I fear it's wrong, is growth-producing. Without growth there is not life. Today, I will live!



My thoughts were not so much on the in-action or fear of action, but mostly on the fact that I did not know how to react to any situation prior to my getting sober and even in the beginning years of sobriety. There were many days when I heard, "act as if", that began to sink in, oh about 3 or 4 years into the deal.

When I first got sober I remember reading the "Promises" which are after doing Step 9. The one sentence that would make me cry everytime it was read in a meeting was "You will intuitively handle situations which used to baffle you." Oh my gosh, that was a dream of mine. I could not handle any situation, nada, nuthin' zero... My first reaction was a defensive reaction and it was not pretty.

I love the sentence in today's reading "Opportunities for action are the stepping stones to emotional maturity. The more we "act," the more able we are to act. And a new habit is formed." I yearned for emotional maturity (sobriety). I will never forget the first time when I realized I handled a situation which used to baffle me; Steve and I were arguing, when we first got married. I ran, of course, to the bedroom and looked around, so desperately wanting to throw something, to clear the top of a dresser; I wanted to do something anything that had to do with raging. I could feel it in every part of my body, instead I picked up the phone, (not to throw,done that a million times) and called my sponsor, Yolie. I cried on the phone and I cried after I got off the phone. I was so full of fear but so full of emotions because I did not do what I had normally done for so many many years. Instead of thinking my way into changing, I have reacted my way into changing, one day at a time. I guess you can say, it became a "habit".

I love AA and the way of life it has given me; I have found my God, a wonderful relationship with my God; I have found a "design for living". Like the BB says, "we are undisciplined." I need a "manuscript", if you will, today to help me to become a little more disciplined each day. My life is the best life I have ever known.

Just a few thoughts

I am writing this today on my blog because my home is in disorder and I cannot find my journal. We had the carpets cleaned and everything is everywhere and not in their place.

I thank God for my sobriety and for loving me.

My readings were really good today. I read from five books if I have the time, they are: The BB of Alcoholics Anonymous; Until today, Iyanla Vanzant; Daily Reflections, AA approved literature; Courage to Change, Alanon approved literature; and Each Day a New Beginning, Hazeldon daily meditation book.

My favorite this morning was from Until Today. This is a daily reflection book as well, actually all of them are except for the BB (Big Book).

May 29

"I am receptive to the idea that...it is possible that I have been following the wrong directions."

"Here is an interesting concept that could help you the next time you are faced with a challenge that you believe you cannot handle. Your personality is the passenger, not the driver! Your spirit is the driving force of your life. Most people believe it is the personality that matters. As a result, there are things they believe they cannot do or things they will not do because such things do not fit their personality. Poor creatures! As long as they insist on listening to the passenger they will probably end up getting lost."

"...Your spirit is the only true navigational force in your life. Unfortunately, it doesn't talk as loud as your personality! Your spirit offers directions only when asked. Your spirit is not worried about getting lost, because it knows what to do, when to do it and what the final outcome will be. Your spirit knows the best time to travel. The best time to stop and rest. The best roads to take and the weather conditions that lie ahead. Your spirit, unlike your personality, is not concerned with your comfort. It is concerned that you have a safe journey on the path of growth."


Pretty cool chit!! I likes this so much because first of all, I have been able to allow my spirit once in a while to be the driver and it does feel good and helps my days be a little simpler. Also, it reminded me of my Psych/Soc class. I know, I cannot help it! I love education and I especially love Sociology with a little Psychology in the mix. The Id, the Ego and the SuperEgo came to mind.


Anyway, I think I am going to take this with me today, allowing the spirit to drive and not my personality. I know then that today is going to be a good day. Oh yeah, 6 flippin days without a cigarette!!!

Oooops!

I have lost my followers pictures??? Can anyone help me? All I did was change my template and they disappeared.

Dreams

I have been having so many flippin dreams lately; they are quite long as well. Seems like I am dreaming all night, but I am guessing that is not true.


The other night I dreamt about one of my good friends Jenny. We were hanging out and just having a good time. Jenny loves shoes with at least 3" heels; I like them but only wear them in the flip-flop style most of the time. She wears many styles and wears them all the time; they look wonderful on her.


It was funny, in my dream we both had on that type of shoe and we kept getting them mixed up, I was wearing one of hers and she was wearing one of mine, strange huh. Well during the dream I remember her telling me something about when I get old I am going to have problems with my back because of those shoes. I thought that was funny, coming from her.


There was so much more to it, but I have slept since then and have dreamt about other things. I really should just get on here in the mornings and write about them, I may see some type of pattern, you think?



Last night I dreamt about my grandkids, Haley and Morgan. We were in a toy store, in a mall, a huge mall. We seemed to be waiting on someone to show up, so I told them they could get them something while we were waiting. I remember vividly how it felt to be waiting for a child to find something in a very short time.



Justin was terrible at that when he was a little boy. I would give him a few minutes, I would actually tell him, "you only have 15 minutes, then we are out of here". I am sure it had something to do with getting to that next drink or I needed to get home to that husband that was so controlling at the time. Anyway, when Justin would get to that 15 minutes, he would have two or three things in his hands and could still not decide, so I would be pissed off and say, just get them all, let's go! I think after a while he got pretty smart and just did that on purpose! LOL That is ok, today I look back and am so grateful for those moments, if that is all I had in me to be present at that moment, I am glad I was present. Not sure if that makes any sense.


Anyway, the girls in my dream were reacting somewhat like Justin. This morning as I was reading my books and writing in my journal I thought possibly that dream did have some significance in my life today, decisions. I tend to go back and forth on possible decisions that I may think I have to make during my days lately. There are so many, like Justin's toys in his hands, desireable factors and undesireable factors that go along with that decision process; some of those for me today are joy, laughter, conversation/no conversation, security (financial and stability), lonely, happy, are they real or are they made up in my mind, alone, not alone, ad infinitum!


Anyway, I can analyze this to death. I really do enjoy dreaming; I hope they never stop.

Geee

That was easy. I just never took the time to really look. I likey this one, for now.

Still trying to figure this blog-stuff out

I have some time now, so I thought I would attempt at creating my posts to be as organized and beautiful as Joni's and Linda's.

Hmm, we shall see what I am capable of doing on my own.

A good dream last night.

I dream a lot, not sure why but I do. They are very vivid, I guess because I am such a visual person, maybe. At the beginning of this week I had a "drunk/drug" dream. I was ok with it, but it was so real; it was not about doing the drugs or drinking the alcohol but the insanity that comes with it. I actually woke up in a state of chaos, just those old feelings I used to feel. I actually had to shake it off. Thank God I do not have to do that anymore.


Last nights dream was short and sweet. All I remember was watching my two boys, who are now 25 and 21 years old, walking down the street together going to their dad's home. I could tell Jason was about 7 or 8 years old and Justin was around 2 or 3 years old. Their heighth was what lead me to believe that. Jason was always about a foot or more taller than Justin, back then. Justin now towers over his older bro. They were walking in the old neighborhood that Danny and I lived in when we were married, our first home we bought, we were so proud of that home. It was a nice place to be with children.







Jason had on that tank top (could not find a pic quick enough of that tank) that was a peachish color and those shorts that he looked so cute in; he tanned so well and still does and those colors just looked great on him. Justin was carrying a blankie and was walking close to his brother; they were so close back then. They are not as close as that anymore, but I know it is all about years of age and they will come back to that soon.



I woke up this morning with a smile on my face. There are still times in my life when I have those "should have, could have and if I only would have" moments. I do know today that "we" have recovered from the "issues" of alchoholism. There are so many mothers and fathers in the rooms that have not yet gotten there and some that never do.

My boys are beautiful, charming, happy and doing well today. I thank my God for the gift of sobriety; the willingness to do the work has given me the life I never thought I could have or deserved to have.

My new adventure

My new adventure in life is to attempt to be mindful with my eating, my health and with exercise. I think when I take one of those three things out by not doing enough of one or doing too much of the other, I get completely out of whack and become remorseful, humiliated, angry at myself, and get into self-pity.

I know that it takes work and a commitment, which I think I am ready today because I have friends that are here with me and will be a positive part of this new adventure.

Today is a new day and with this day I have hope.

Easter Sunday

I really do love the holidays; we get together with family and sometimes with friends as well. Jason and his partner Billy were not there this holiday, I really missed them. This Easter my hubby and I did not host the holiday dinner; so it was a little different for me.


We had a potluck over at my twin sister's home. We had way to much sweet stuff and way to much fatty foods, but it was delicious. Steak, rib-eye, twice baked potatoes, and roasted veggies were on the menu. We had three cakes to choose from, which of course I could not make my mind up so I had a little bit of all three.







It is really nice, now that mom is here in Bako with us. I really do enjoy the holidays more now that she is here with us. She cracks me up most of the time. I am able to let her be. Here she is with her grandbabies, minus Jason. From left to right is Sarina, Melissa, mom, Jolynn, Justin and Zach.

Justin and Jenna were there; they were not there together but that is ok. Jenna was with Matt's family and then she came to visit us. She is part of my family, so it would not be the same without her as well. My bubba, Justin, is really looking different. He has always looked wonderful, so I have to say he is getting more good looking as he gets older. He has been taking care of himself, nutritionally and physically, by eating right and going to the gym. You can really tell how hard he has been working. I wuvs him so!


Jenna and Matt brought baby Ru-Ru. She is so tiny and they look like such a happy family! LOL Matt does not like to be referred to as "daddy", I think he believes it makes him a married man. Even though him and Jenna are together constantly, live together and act like they are married already, he just does not want that label, yet!





The grandkids did not come over, they went to their other grandparents home for dinner. That is ok, it was different, but ok. I have always allowed Jason and Justin to go whereever they needed to be or wanted to be on holidays. It is important to me that our kids are just happy, it is not all about me all the time. So, we went to them and hung out at their home; they hunted Easter eggs, Haley got into trouble right away on that one, she was a little competitive; they played and brought everything out to show me what was in their room. They are so much fun. I really need to be a better grandma. Not sure why I do not, except the fact that I am always busy with school, internship and going to meetings, along with homework.



I am so glad that I do not have that guilt within me on the "religious" holidays. I used to feel that I had to be in church for Easter and for Christmas. I know today I do not; heck I did not even attend my Sunday morning meeting that day, I had way too much to do so I passed.

I do know what Christmas and Easter are all about, I am just not sure if I am spiritually there to celebrate those days anymore. I feel like I celebrate my Higher Power each and every day and that is good enough. I also know that when I celebrate, it does not have to be in a church, or on my knees, or in a pew, or with a recited phrase... I get so much freedom from my "way of thinking" today on religion.

Darryl and Thelma were missed. It just really is not the same without you two. I love you both.

My cat is a cat??

I never knew my Jewel, aka, jubug and ju-ju was a "real" cat. She has always been an inside baby and we have been letting her out in the backyard with the other babies for about a year or so. About 6 months or so ago, I found her up on the fence; I scolded her and she came right down. Well, I have been in denial, I guess. Last night I went to look for her before bed time, in the backyard, and she did not come. I went and got a bag of Easter candy, which went out to the trash this morning, that made noise like her cat treats and she did not come.

Ok, then I went to Stevie, on the couch, and asked him what should I do, she is not coming and I could not see her anywhere, well of course his answer was she is a CAT, and she will come to the door when she wants in. I did not like that answer and went and got a flashlight to look for her on the side of the house. She usually hides under some of the stuff over there.

Well, I was calling her and looking uder the stuff and I heard something on the fence; she had climbed back over the fence and leaped off of it to me. All I could see were her glowing eyes as I flashed the flashlight in her face. I was surprised that she was over there. I thought she did not do those things. Well, I am trying to get over it and let her be. I thought, ok, she is never going outside again, then I realized I would have to listen to her meow at the back door wanting out. So, I am going to let her be who she is, and just hope she does not go out in the street and get hit by a car. I could control it and not let her out there for any length of time, but she does love it out in the backyard. She cannot have babies, so that is a good thing.

She is just a nosey neighbor cat and that is ok, today.

From my daily readings

"Each Day A New Beginning"

"Make yourself a blessing to someone. Your kind smile or a pat on the back just may pull someone back from the edge."
Carmelia Elliot


I love the fact that helping others helps me in my recovery of not drinking one day at a time. In our BB on the top of page 20, it says something about our very life depends upon working with others. I have come to know that is true by getting out of myself and being useful. I have also learned that there are boundaries or times when I need to just sit back and let others do it, I do not have to be everything to everyone.

The reading today in EDANB said, "We are healed in our healing of others." ... "Our own well-being is enhanced each time we put someone else's well-being first."

There are days in my life when I NEED to read that to remember it; I am still so full of selfishness and self-pity. I am so grateful today that I have willingness to pick those books up each day and to take the time to "listen" to what it is saying to me.

My first post on my blog

Wow, this is exciting. I have one more time been inspired by so many women in my life. I have been wanting to do this for so long and just did not feel I had the time. Well I am making the time today.

I titled my Blog "House at Pooh Corner". I am a Winnie-the-pooh fan, if you have not figured that out by now. I will elaborate on that later and share more of me.

Spring break has come and is almost gone. That is when I generally take time away from the computer, somewhat. Tomorrow is Easter Sunday and I will be spending time with family.

I better go now and see what I need to do here on my blog.